Life Begins At.....
Issue link: http://ebook.aprs.com.au/i/25630
BANNER BANNER EMPLOYMENT Dealing with manipulation By Dr Mary Casey Among the myriad of changes that retirement brings is the opportunity to see our children, grandchildren and extended families more often. While this means connection and joy for most of us, for some seeing our families can bring about old family conflicts and consequent pain. Conflict in families can happen occasionally, however many situations where the conflict is ongoing are brought about by manipulative behaviour. Now, no one wants to associate conflict with manipulation. Nor would anyone want to associate manipulation with family. But the fact is that critical in-law, needy grown- up son or daughter, spoilt grandchild, or gossipy sibling all use manipulative behaviour to get what they want. Over time, it can drain us of energy, and make us feel powerless or helpless. The ensuing stress can make us frustrated and even physically sick. If you’re about to head into retirement, or want to improve relationships during the rest of your retirement, knowing how to deal with manipulators can help eliminate the conflict and make this time of your life a peaceful time. Why do people manipulate in the first place? People who use manipulative behaviour aim to control and influence the behaviours and actions of others. They use control gestures such as emotional blackmail, fostering guilt, helplessness, and persuasive yet dishonest language. Surprisingly, families are the ideal environment for these tactics, as it can be quite easy to make a family member feel guilty. We also like to believe that everyone in our extended families love us completely and have the best of intentions. However, this belief is what makes us unsuspecting targets – perfect targets for manipulators. An interesting note is that many manipulators do not realise they are engaging in such behaviour because the 116 THE RETIREE AUTUMN behaviour is fed by their own insecurities or a view of life as a struggle for survival – as a series of battles. Hence the need to mark their territory, secure “allies”, watch others closely, engage in emotional tactics. Knowledge and understanding is power when it comes to managing conflict in our homes and relationships. After becoming a victim to a master manipulator in the workplace, I developed a program of successful strategies to identify and then deal with manipulators in all situations. Define your boundaries Defining personal boundaries can be difficult with family. But remember: people do what they do because they can. When you set boundaries and use assertiveness, the manipulator will note this and likely look for another target. Control your emotions, or disengage Sarcasm, hostility, threats and put downs are tactics mastered by manipulators. Your anger will be used by them as further evidence of your abuse towards them, and further justify their own position as an innocent martyr. Don’t accept excuses or diversions A manipulator will never admit they have done something wrong, may ‘play dumb’, give excuses for their harmful behaviour and change the subject, or create a distraction to further evade an issue. Re- focus on the problem or the behaviour you are trying to confront. Communicate that the responsibility is on their side. Act fast Being forceful (either aggressively or passive aggressively), a manipulator will interpret silence on your part as an agreement. Do not waste time asking yourself when is the best time to address the issue with the manipulator because the time is right now. Be clear and precise This will prevent them “twisting” your words into something else or deliberately misunderstanding you. Ensure your body language is congruent with your words. How to Deal with Master Manipulators Dr Mary Casey’s informative DVD and workbook helps identify manipulators at home and work, presents strategies to deal with them effectively, and methods to use to ensure we are never a target. Includes various scenarios, role play and case studies. Available for $49.95 from http://www.dealwithmanipulators. com/. For information about upcoming workshops on Dealing with Manipulators, call 1300 175 783. Dr Mary Casey (Doctorate of Psychology) is founder and CEO of Casey Centre, a leading integrated health and education service. Visit www.caseycentre.com.au Five common strategies manipulators use • Charm – Praise and flatter to openly help gain trust and confidence of others. • Deception – Control information and communication using lies, distortions and vagueness when being asked direct questions. • Accusations and discrediting – Skilled at shifting the blame, and detracting in subtle and hard-to-detect ways. • Play innocent or confused – Portray themselves as a victim of circumstance, or pretend they don’t know what the issue is. • Play the victim – Convince others they are being targeted by aggressors and how the consequences of their behaviour are exaggerated.